Saturday, February 20, 2010

A New Theory of World History

It’s really about the Cat People vs. The Dog People

Before I present you all my brilliant new thesis about the driving force in World History, I should give credit where credit is due: wikipedia!

Dogs were domesticated much earlier than cats, however once cats came into the picture in Ancient Egypt, humans quickly fell into two main groups: cat people and dog people.

"Statue of a Dog, Mesopotamia, circa 5000-1000 BC" Giclee PrintFile:Egypte louvre 058.jpg

The Assyrians (left) eventually went to war with the Egyptians (right) in what became one of the bloodiest and most continual wars during the period.

Eventually both sides sought for allies and, as the war between the two individual states ended, the animosity between cat people and dog people continued.

During the middle ages the struggle between cat people and dog people reached it’s highest point. The Crusades were not fought, as most people believe, due to religious or economic factors, but was a result of the long held animosities between the European dog owners (who got their handy large set of scales out a lá Monte Python whenever they saw an old woman with a cat) and the Muslim cat fans (did you know that Muhammad had a cat named Muezza?).

Of course the Europeans had suspicions about their cat loving neighbors motives: the last cat lovers they had encountered were the Vikings, and they were not the most cuddly of feline fans!

Eventually cat lovers and dog lovers were able to come together in peace in order to form the United States of America. However this truce was tenuous at best, and when the cat loving Abraham Lincoln (the first president to have a cat in the white house: it’s name was Tabby) was elected president, Dog Show Clubs and kennels throughout the South lead the cry for secession and independence.  Despite attempts at compromise, which included the adoption of Fido (left: actual picture of Lincoln’s dog!) The civil war had already begun.  Eventually peace was restored and it seemed that the great struggle between cat people and dog people had finally come to an end.

Nevertheless, smoldering resentment created by the end of the First World War lead to Cat People seizing power in Weimer Germany while Dog People came to power in Soviet Russia. Eventually the tension between these two groups was strong enough to destroy the temporary truce between the two powers and lead to war between the two powers.

These developments were mirrored in the east where the Japanese dog lovers convinced the military that it was necessary to intervene in mainland Asia where not only did they like cats, but actually ate dogs! But discord between the dog fans in the army and cat people in the Imperial Navy undermined the communication between the two branches and lead to the ill advised attack on Pearl Harbor which resulted in American entry into the war.

After a long struggle peace was eventually restored. A new era was ushered in when Laika (who had become the first animal in space) met with Socks (the first cat appointed to political office) and negotiated a settlement between their two types of owners. Despite the unfortunate squabbles that occasionally happen between neighbors and individual cats and dogs, at long last humanity can look forward to a peaceful era when cat people and dog people can finally stop fighting like cats and dogs.

For a list of famous cat lovers (including Winston Churchill, Charles Dickens, Florence Nightingale, & Isaac Newton) click here. For a list of the dog side, including Odysseus, The Grinch, George Washington, JFK, and Rudyard Kipling) click here.